Where Everyone Knows Your Vein
by C.T. Brennan
Scene: Raven Bar, Toronto
Schank walked into his favorite bar, the Raven. He would do anything
to keep from going home to Myra. He pulled open the door and was
instantly accosted by yells from the occupants within, "Schank!"
As he was walking to his usual bar stool her heard Nickie the bar
owner, "Schank, how's the world treating you?"
"Well, Nickie. It's a vamp eat vamp world and I'm wearing garlic
underwear." He said crossing the room and taking a seat.
Vachon was already seated beside him in his usual spot, " Well,
Schank, it's a little known fact that garlic was brought to the
Americas by the Spanish in 1765. We used it to thin the blood in this
Everyone rolled their eyes at Vachon. He knew lots of little known
facts but they were hardly ever correct.
"Havier," Natalie, the sweet intellectual waitress, spoke up, " I
believe you, even if these creatins don't. That was a particular
charming period in history..."
Nickie, the good looking bar owner, saw Nat's face wash away. He was
only focused on her breasts and her thighs and her neck.
"Nickie, I was talking to you and you drifted off into space."
Natalie began to whine, "You can be so thick sometimes Nickie. You
haven't even noticed that I've had the hots for you for 6 years..."
Nice boobs, Nickie thought.
"You are quite correct, Nicholas." Dr. Lacroix and his wife Dr.
Janette appeared before him. " She does have excruciatingly nice
mammary glands, but you must stop this incessant fixation with these
mortals. It is not psychologically sound."
Dr. Lacroix and his wife were prominent psychologists and were always
debating the mental health of those in the Raven.
"Now, Lacroix," Janette began, " His obsession is a Freudian need to
express his sexual tension. Besides, ten to one says he'll kiss her
wrist and then will drain her, without any foreplay, the first chance
"Perhaps you're right Janette" Lacroix continued, "We all know, you
can not cling to your mammary obsession like lichen to a stone."
Vachon chipped in, "It's a little known fact that lichen do not cling
but actually suck to a stone."
"What's lichen?" Tracy, the dumb blonde, straight off the farm
bartender walked over, "I lichen chocolate kisses... is that the same
"Somebody shoot me..." Nickie looked up in disgust, "..please..."
"Now Nickie, " Natalie sized Nickie up, " Life is a gift, as sweet as
a ripe peach, as precious as a gilded jewel...."
Nickie looked at Natalie and the words began to fade away again. He
was thinking of how protective he was of her...like a sister...with
affection...hmmm, will I really spontaneously combust in the middle
of bay street?
"Nickie, where are you? You zoned out again." Natalie whined again.
"What day is it? What time is it? What century is it?" Nickie looked
It was Vachon's turn to roll his eyes... Nickie could be so thick at
times. "Per me si va tia La perent de jente' "
"Is that Spanish?" Tracy asked.
Schank chugged his beer, "No, it's Italian and means ' this way to
join the lost people'...can I get another beer?"
"You can cling to your beer like lichen to a stone, Schank." Dr,
Lacroix wore a look of concern.
"Lacroix , I will give you a $1000 door prize if you would just come
up with a new saying to quote to us." Schank retorted.
Dr. Lacroix grew angry, "Prize what you will, prize what you can...
but make sure the prize is a tax free gift."
"I'll drink to that." Nickie raised his glass high, " The Raven,
where everyone knows your vein..."
Everyone raised their glasses to the toast.
"Now who wants to see Lacroix do the macarena?"
(end scene with music with Lori Yates singing "Touch the night.")